I stroked the back of her hand with my fingertip, gliding over the dents in her knuckles. I watched her peaceful face as she slept, but winced when I caught sight of the bandages encasing her head. I longed to run my fingers through her hair and cup her cheek with my hand, but I knew it would be long before I did. If I did. But I refused to think about that. She would survive.

***

“Karev.”

I turned at the sound of my name, and I saw Bailey rushing towards me, clutching a chart. She was frowning slightly, and I felt my stomach clench as she stopped in front of me, took a deep breath and removed one hand from the clipboard, ready to gesticulate.

“Karev, I’m sorry, but Izzie isn’t taking the drugs very well. She isn’t reacting as we’d hoped she would, but we’re going to keep going with the radiotherapy and try some different drugs and I’m sure-”

“Have you told Izzie yet?” I asked, averting my eyes from her and staring at the clean white wall of the hospital. I realized now why hospitals were white- you can look at them, and there is nothing to remind of why you are there. They are clean, meaningless. I relied on them now to keep the salt water inside my eyes.

“Uh, no, but I was wondering if you would like to be there when I did.”

“Sure, let’s go.” I swung around and strode towards Izzie’s room with Bailey scurrying behind me.

I paused momentarily, then pushed the door open. Izzie was sitting there expectantly, her new knitting sitting on her lap. She could tell from my expression that, whatever it was, it wasn’t good, but I studied her as she pushed her fear away and prepared herself for the worst. Standing next to her bed, I took her hand, but realized my legs wouldn’t hold much longer, so I pulled the chair towards me. I stroked her hand, just as I had before. But everything was different now.

Bailey began to speak, but I tuned her out. I couldn’t hear it again. I looked at Izzie, and I saw how sallow her skin had become. Even so sick, she was beautiful. I watched her nod slightly as a resigned expression coated her features. She accepted everything thrown at her and never said a word.

Izzie and Bailey were staring at me, and I realized that tears were streaking my cheeks. Bailey left quickly, and I rested my head on the cool metal of the bed. Tentatively, Izzie laid her hand on the back of my neck. I gripped her fingers in mine as a sob escaped me. Izzie dropped her head on mine with a sigh.

“Alex,” she whispered. I drew in a breath, before forcing myself to look at her. I couldn’t place her expression. It looked almost like pity. She cradled my face in her hands and gently removed my tears with her thumbs. “Alex, whatever happens, even if I don’t survive-”

I gripped her wrists and gave her a hard, pleading stare.

“Don’t say that, Iz. You’ll get through this. You have to.” I can’t live without you.

“But what if I don’t?” she was challenging me, trying to help me reach that stage. But that would be the only place I would not follow her.

“You are not going to die. But if heaven calls, I’m coming too.”